Summer Vacay, 2021. Day 4
Resting “rest face” in my pseudo Taco Time t-shirt.
The Keeper
August 1, 2021
My jury is out on the balance sheet of Christian good vs Christian evil. Given the evil that has come into my life via Christianity, at the moment I have my thumb on the side of the scale that’s says “RUN”.
“There is nothing as hateful as Christian love,” says the lesbian pastor on TikTok. I’ve lived it, and believe me, as a member of that group called the Pastor’s Spouse, it gets up close and personal.
To be clear: Has the church done good? Yes. Let’s just say Desmond Tutu. Has the church created harm? Yes. Let’s just say The Crusades. And it is this dichotomy that sets the stage.
I cannot go into a church without the Keeper of the Balance Sheet making itself known. The Keeper immediately asks; what was the cost (however you define cost)? What was the sacrifice (however you define sacrifice)? What were the dividends (however you define benefits)? And to whom were they paid (whomever you define as beneficiary)?
The Keeper only gets pacified into temporary stillness by those rare and astonishing cathedrals like the Sagrada Familìa, whose artistry moves me out my intellectual hamster wheel and into a suspended state of animation. Still, the tape returns as soon as the experience fades because nothing has been reconciled. The clicking of keys and the whirring of wheels continues as the Keeper has careful work to do.
The astonishing nave of the Sagrada Familìa
So what’s a an existential bean counter like me, doing in a place like this? Well I got me a pastor husband who is my personal Sagrada Familìa. It’s a grand comparison and one he will not like. I remember the day I met Sandy. My first thought was “damn. I didn't know god made his messengers like this.” I was so taken aback by him that The Keeper of the Balance Sheet couldn’t do the New Math and offered its resignation. I told it to take some continuing ed courses.
That’s how I ended up wandering around old churches in Europe. I couldn’t do the arithmetic and married a guy who likes being in them. So my head is full of whirring, clicking, and tabulating sound effects, with an occasional ride on a transcendental merry-go-round.
Meanwhile, back at the inn, it’s a “no” day. No alarm clocks, no schedules, no running around, and especially, no shoving as much art and beauty as possible into my noggin as possible. I’m already processing plenty.
Onward to Italy.
©Theresa Elliott, All Rights Reserved
Beautiful crystal clear colors in this stained glass window at San Martino Cathedral. Buzz, buzz, whir, whir, click, click . . .